moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
