he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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