he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
