Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
