If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
