Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
