he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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