tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
