i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
