Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
