apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
