he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
When did angry sex become our thing?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
