So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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