Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
