went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
