i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
