So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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