if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize