i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
