apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
