I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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