my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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