life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
