I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
