We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
we're so committed to being not committed
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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