Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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