That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
