life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
In America we eat man semen.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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