when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
