I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I don't deserve a penis
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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