Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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