Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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