So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
