How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
