I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize
