It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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