Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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