Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
