My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
