I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
