hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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