I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
