shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
