you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
