Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
is wine microwaveable?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
