You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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