remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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