i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
