It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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