She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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