she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
