How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
