you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
