your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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