So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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