dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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